Juan (mcclintock) wrote,

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What Dreams May Come

So amidst the boring droll posts of my day to day life I have to share my doubts, dreams, and insights.

I'm terribly blessed in life with a good job, fairly healthy body, strong and quick mind, a good education, and a loving family. Reading some other people's journals (not any of my friends) makes me realize how messed up many of them are. I mean before last year I never knew people cut themselves to feel alive. There's a bunch of drunks and drug users, and this is just the people that can afford an internet connection. Believe me I realize how lucky I am and and don't take it for granted.

I have a good life full of independence.

There's a saying you always long for that which is most out of reach, or maybe it's for what you don't have.
kageneko wrote in her journal how even the smallest events have significance in her life with her love.
Good lord, how I envy her.

I worry that I'm stuck with an idealization of love, that I'm in love with the thought of being in love with somebody in the future.
Whispers in the back of my mind fill of doubts that I can be objective. Do I cling to the first thing that comes along like a drowning man clings to a life preserver?
I know so many people that made bad decisions in love, people that fell for something less than they deserved. I don't want to settle. I want somebody as special as me.
So here I sit alone.

What brought this on? Joe Millionaire happy ending? Nah. I've been dwelling on my life lately, wondering if I really want to change jobs, go to school if they accept me, that kind of thing. I'll be thirty soon. I'm a settler, comfortable with doing the same thing every day, I live a life of routine. For the most part that's a good thing, but change isn't something to be feared either, it can often lead to better things.
Can you regret change? Heck yes, but I don't want to regret I never tried to better myself.
My sister took a picture of me playing with my baby cousin Chase. I look at that picture and realize that I'm old enough that I could have a child myself. I want a wife and kids in my future. Most of my co-workers my age already have a couple, a house, the big car. Even the ones who's kids and marriages aren't that good don't envy me.
Even somebody that doesn't mind routine can get tired of the single life.

And yes, I do realize that I think too much, I worry too much, and I should just sieze the day. Carpe Diem!

I'm happy in life, but I guess I'm not the anti-social hermit I thought I was. It could be worse. I could be living with my parents.
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